My Twenty-Something Quasi-Soap

Dear Dad, I guess I now have an excuse to really go and get trashed on St. Patrick's Day if I want to. It used to be because we thought that we were of some Irish descent, so I could legitimately celebrate the day while simultaneously fucking with people's minds. (Sidebar: I know you don't like cursing, and you thought that it showed a lack of intelligence. Meanwhile, studies have shown that people who curse are actually smarter. You've now probably seen just how much I drop the F-bomb on a regular basis. I mean, I'm a Jersey girl. Mom curses a lot too when we talk to each other. You know we've earned it, and you know why.) Now, I can use St. Patrick's Day as a preparation for the day after. March 18th. Your birthday. Tomorrow you would have turned 68 years old. On one hand, it feels legitimately old, but it also feels incredibly young. Like I said in my last letter, this is another stop on the temporal stations of the cross. I cried on the morning...

Dear Dad, Who knows why I'm putting this in my ancient blog? Why I'm posting it to the internet. Shouting into the void and simultaneously preserving this forever. I guess it's the easiest way to get my thoughts down. Typing can be easier than writing, and it helps me get the words out faster without editing myself. I think about you every day, and I feel like I have more questions than answers, Something moved me to fire up the blog and write, so here I am. It's been a little over seven months since you've been gone. Thinking about the days and months and years leading up to that point feel like a temporal version of the Stations of the Cross. I don't know where the Beginning of the End actually sits in that timeline, but Christmas feels like a good starting point. The last Christmas that we all spent together. Did the tree fall down at all that year? If it didn't, was it a sign that we missed? My birthday dinner in Newark: Mom usually covers the check,...

Ha. HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Omg, that was hilarious. HILARIOUS! Did you read that last post? Jesus TF Christ. So I found those things that I was worried I would definitely find. Found a sad, pathetic dude who lied - LIED - about his job. Lived in a condo under his mama's name that I'm pretty sure was retirement housing. Claimed he was going to school...maybe he was...but failed a pop quiz. Then he used said class as an excuse to get out of coming to Rutgers Christmas, then said he would go, then LIED about why he was two hours late, then was the first one to leave and took his bottle of Ciroc (that I purchased, mind you) with him. Gawd. The good news is that I'm single. I still have the best job ever. Got promoted to manager in five months. Built a kick-ass team. Merger announcement dropped last October. Got serious about grad school, applied to Penn State. Got accepted. Had panic attack. My right-hand man at work is messing up and will probably ge...

The change was good! Landed that job that I mentioned in the last post. Nailed it. Best job of my life! But there's other changes too. I think I have a boyfriend. Well, I know I have a boyfriend. I just haven't been able to say it yet. Hell, we're not even Facebook friends yet. (Friend request pending...he's not on there a lot...but I know he's going to approve it.) You know how every time you meet someone, you say that things are different this time, and it's going to be different...but it ends up ending the same way? (Obviously it ends the same way...because it ends.) I know this time is totally different. We met differently. We had a real first date. And then a real second date. Then I got so freaked out that I almost bolted...almost shut the entire thing down in fear of getting emotionally destroyed again. I'm glad I didn't. Things are so...equal. Similar upbringing, shared goals and philosophies, equal footing on terms of marriage (no prev...

...because it needs to. This time, for the first time in a while, it's my job situation that needs to change. I finally made the decision to start looking for a new job earlier this year. The writing had been on the wall for a while, and a recruiter just happened to contact me after I had just been denied funding for a Master's certificate program at Rutgers. So now I've been interviewing and such for four months, and I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. At least I hope that's what I'm feeling. It could be pre-interview jitters. It could be that overall sense of a disturbance in the force. Maybe it's that melancholy I feel after a particularly hard night of drinking. Whatever it is, change is in the air, and I hope it's for the better. I'm ready for change. I'm not getting out of my apartment any time soon. Sorority life kinda swallowed me up this winter, and I'm disconnecting from that pretty soon to take a break. My best f...

Today I had an experience that I thought only happened on tv shows or in bad rom-coms. Ok, it wasn't too too bad, but it was still annoying. So I'm at a barbecue at a friend of a friend's house. The majority of the people there were married and/or had kids, but I was holding my own and manning my cooler of jello shots. No big deal. Then a new person arrives, a dude, and the hostess of the party was immediately all like, "Hey, by the way, he's single. And a dentist! Eh?" ::raised eyebrows in that wink-wink-nudge-nudge kinda way:: sigh. But I'm not going to be openly bitchy to the guy...we make small talk or whatever. He's not my type. Granted I don't really have a "type" anymore, but if I did, I would really have been all that interested. Dude leaves the party an hour or two later to do some things and says he'll be back. Hostess later remarks, "Yeah, come to think of it, he's got a lot of baggage. He's got kids and ...

...so I'm going to keep writing. Maybe I'll do this every day till I figure it out. Maybe I'll look at all of this tomorrow and say, "Well, fuck that," and find something else to go and do. I remembered on my way home from work that I don't have any food in my house, which means that at some point this evening I'll have to get back up from this couch and over to the grocery store on the opposite side of town if I plan on anything that resembles dinner. It's actually pretty funny how I think that buying stuff from the grocery store is somehow more responsible or healthier than take out every night, but it really isn't because I've recently refused to cook anything. I don't have a dishwasher in my apartment, which means that every single pot, pan, dish, and utensil has to be washed by hand - my hands - at some point in the immediate but often distant future. I think it's a miracle that I've lived here for almost a year and a half ...

::sigh:: I often make the mistake of reading my last post immediately before posting again. Usually to remind myself of where I was and what I was doing the last time I remembered that I had a blog and decided to write. This time around, I read all my posts from five years ago. When I think about five years - it doesn't seem like all that much time or that anything of major significance could happen. But that year was important...it was a new(ish) start for a lot of things. When I think about different eras in my life, there's Jersey Part One (birth to age 6), Illinois, Jersey Part Two, Florida, and Jersey Part Three - where I am now. And now I've been back for five years. Those years have flown by and soooo much has happened since then. It was easier to start chronicling the landmarks and milestones with quippy status updates than sitting and compiling it all into a post. Eventually, as is quite evident from the growing length of time between posts, I forgave myself,...

Some random thoughts and notes here in the new year: -I'm keeping the title of the blog the same, despite my ever-advancing age. That statement is the closest I plan to get to talking about my actual age in the near future. -I am predicting one of two fates for the ex-boyfriend. He will either find someone with low standards and lower self-esteem who will be willing to keep him around even after discovering what an epic douchebag he is; or he will win the contest between he and his cousins and be the first to actually die in a drunk driving incident. It is inherently wrong to wish the latter option for him, yet I do not wish the former option upon anyone else. Quite a quandary indeed, since these are the only two possible options. -Where has Khan Academy been all my life? Re-learning basic math is finally possible. Correction: learning  basic math (and beyond!) is finally possible for me. -I am lifting my American Idol boycott. The talent is pretty decent, but my real reaso...

On October 28, I traveled in a panic. We needed to beat the storm back to New Jersey, have the plane land there before the airport shut down, and rush our preparations to completion. We were in Kansas City for my cousin's wedding (a story for another time, if ever - it's not really safe to blog), and the impending doom alarm chimed softly in a corner of my mind the entire time we were there. Impending doom was an understatement. We got the last EWR bound flight for the airline that day. Dashed to Target and the supermarket - not a bottle of water to be found but a few strays on a top shelf that he was able to grab. I went back out later for flashlights and discovered cases of water at Toys R Us. Gassed up my car. Felt the winds picking up and worried about what we were in for. I had already scheduled the next day off - I was glad I didn't have to worry about heading to work with the hurricane on the way. On October 29, the winds got stronger. I had nothing to do but w...

Time flies when life isn't shitty, huh? Ok, that was a rather crass way to open up a post, especially since I haven't posted anything in months. Honestly, though, I've been so busy just enjoying life that I haven't had time to just sit and ruminate on all that's going on in the world and my life. And you know what? It. Feels. Fantastic. Despite the total lack of posts, 2011 has been an amazing year for me. I mentioned it all in the brief ten-year anniversary post: new job, new car, new boyfriend, new outlook on everything. I gained about five pounds, which has forced me to buy new pants. But all in all, good times. I like to think that I will look back at 2011 as the year I got my swagger back. After two back-to-back years of feeling completely hopeless about where life was taking me, everything's falling back into place again. Yeah, I'm still living at home, but I think I'm going to be able to make a move in 2012. Hopefully. I was in the car...

Ten years. Of growing up gracefully, but with the scars to prove that it has not been easy. Of laughter and adventure. Of tears and frustration. Accomplishments that now seem mundane; victories that are laughably small, defeats that were mere speed bumps. An incredible life lived and captured here in changing style and prose for ten years. So earlier this year I had made all sorts of plans for commemorating ten years of this blog. I promised rants and stories and revisits of posts. However, life got in the way, as usual, and I really didn't follow through with those plans. Whatever. It's my blog. But I had to write today, just for a minute. I won't post tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to do an "obligatory 9/11 post" any more. It's been ten years. We all need to move on. What a crazy summer it's been. Sorority stuff. Rock the Bells 2011. Met a new boy. An earthquake. Hurricane Irene (with Maria potentially on the way). New job...

Those of you who have been following the blog for a decent amount of time know that I am a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy. Huge. Fan. I can honestly say that I've seen every single episode, and I stuck with the show through its several rough patches, despite my several rants and raves throughout the years. Season 7 just wrapped up a few weeks ago, as did all of my regular season shows, and I was left adrift in the wasteland known as Summer Programming. Usually I catch up on my reading and my never-shrinking Netflix queue. One night last week, I was browsing the Instant choices on Netflix... ...and I hit paydirt. Complete TV series. Tons of them. 80's, 90's, and current shows, all there at a mouse click. And of all of the shows I could have picked to enjoy...I went with GA. Because I'm a dork. Things I Have Relearned/Remembered from Revisiting Grey's Anatomy, Seasons 1-2.13: [insert requisite spoiler alert here, just in case] -Ok, so we know why Meredith...

...I started a blog. My first blog post was on September 10, 2001. It was a silly little post - just a quick introspective on what it felt like to be growing up and becoming independent (sort of), and some weird little poem about an ant. (Oh, just go read the silly post. I'll wait.) Of course, we all know what happened the next day. I've mentioned before how what was supposed to be (and eventually became) a digital repository for all of my ranting and rambling ended up being a time capsule of how we felt and how the world changed on and after 9/11. I never wanted the war(s) that followed. I, like everyone else, just wanted justice. From September 13, 2001: W. is saddling up on his star spangled high horse and is ready to blow the middle east to kingdom come. and as much as i want to see justice for this nation and this horrible tragedy, i'm not ready for a war. enough innocent people have died...do really need more? i mean, all of these crazy little countries have e...

Rain. Real rain, as the temperature remains above freezing right now. Not freezing rain, or sleet, or slain, or wintry mix, or that god-awful demon snow. Just rain, washing away the frozen detritus of the past two months. Ahh... Last week, the temperature got up to 65 degrees and it was sunny and beautiful out. At least, that's what everyone's Facebook statuses told me. I, on the other hand, was asleep for the entire day as a result of getting hit with the latest 24 hour stomach virus that's been making the rounds. On Monday, we had snow. But it's been melting away, and the rain is helping, and that's awesome. Otherwise, I guess things have been kind of boring. The job hunt continues, with better feedback this time around than in previous searches. No offers yet, but at least I'm getting calls and interviews. Still hanging out with my friends on the weekends and having fun. (Even when storming out of a club in Atlantic City while throwing up both middle fi...

...you cruel, cruel month. Thank goodness you're the shortest one of the year. Weather-wise, things have only somewhat improved. We have been getting at least one major storm per week. Last week was my official breaking point - my car was completely encased in a coating of ice about a quarter-inch thick. The following fake news story is what I created on my Facebook page while I was at work that day: Somerset Co. Woman Snaps; Torches Yard With Flamethrower After melting the majority of the snow and ice in her front yard, the woman disappeared. Authorities believe she has fled the state for warmer weather, possibly Florida. Reports have come in from beachfront bars in South Florida about a half crazed woman demanding bucket sized margaritas. She is wearing one snow boot, one flip-flop, and is wielding an ice scraper. She does not appear to be dangerous, but is muttering about "making the white stuff go away." Authorities have not been able to determine if she is the...

For realz, y'all, this winter shit is wiggedy-wiggedy-wack. (Yes, that sentence was just composed by a college graduate.) We had The (Other) Blizzard of 2010 the day after Christmas - 18 inches. Then we had a storm last week that added another 6 or so inches. Today we got another 6 to 9 inches. We aren't even halfway through January, and I'm already so sick of snow that I was looking for jobs back in Ft. Lauderdale. (Totally not kidding. South Florida and Atlanta.) I've been dreaming about a shore house down in Wildwood for a week this summer. Or a cruise to the Bahamas. Anything but scraping off my car and risking my life whenever there's a snowstorm because my company does not believe in snow days. They do, however, believe in public shaming tactics and psychological warfare that make one feel guilty for even arriving 45 minutes late for work because her street wasn't plowed yet. If you didn't catch on in that last sentence there, I'm job hunting...

Do not adjust your television set. Yes, the blog looks different. I'm not sure if I like it yet, but I'm trying it out. It may change again soon. But it's still me, and this is still my blog. Have no fear. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming... "Say what? Quiet? You know this year has been anything but quiet!" That's probably what you were saying when you read the title of today's blog. Yes, there was a lot of stuff that went down in 2010. I just didn't talk about it. Think about it. Look at the side bar. This makes post #11 for the entire year. The whole year! That's a far cry from the light years of '03 and '04. Maybe there hasn't been a lot that's happened this year. Maybe I just didn't feel like talking. I know that years from know, I'm going to look back on the 2010 posts and think, "God, what a depressing year!" I spent a lot of time talking about failure. Hell, the first post of the ye...

Don't know why I decided to get on here and type something...there's nothing new or good to report. Winter is finally settling in with its dark and cold, but the tree is lit up here in the house. May the tree remain upright this year. (Long story if you haven't been following along the past few years.) My birthday is in a little more than a month. I'm not particularly looking forward to it, as it just seems to be a reminder of Everything That I Should Have Accomplished By Now, Yet Have Failed To Do So. (Yes, the obnoxious Milne-esque capitalization was done on purpose.) I think I'll stop telling people how old I really am...it's easier to let them think I'm anywhere from 5-10 years younger than I really am. So...yeah...2010. Kind of a crap year, when all is said and done, despite my resolution to just be happy. But then again, things looked a lot different at the beginning of this year than they do at the end. Ugh, I'm just getting more depressed writing...

I hate the feeling that, at nearly 28 years old, I have accomplished little when I have, in fact, accomplished a lot. I hate the fact that accomplished is indeed spelled correctly, when it looks so wrong. I hate that people think that I am successful when I am so blatantly failing. I hate that I am holding myself to a standard that was perfectly understood and expected 30 years ago, but is nearly unattainable now. I hate the fact that I can't allow myself to be happy with my job and that I am so convinced that I will fail, even thought I am truly doing the best that I can with the few tools that I have been given. I hate that I am never happy about my appearance. I'm too skinny, or I look fat. My hair never looks right. I don't work hard enough at taking care of myself, especially that it's more important now than it ever was before. I hate that I feel so overburdened when, at the end of the day, I have so little to worry about. I hate the fact that I'm great at giv...