I hate this part right here...

I hate the feeling that, at nearly 28 years old, I have accomplished little when I have, in fact, accomplished a lot.

I hate the fact that accomplished is indeed spelled correctly, when it looks so wrong.

I hate that people think that I am successful when I am so blatantly failing.

I hate that I am holding myself to a standard that was perfectly understood and expected 30 years ago, but is nearly unattainable now.

I hate the fact that I can't allow myself to be happy with my job and that I am so convinced that I will fail, even thought I am truly doing the best that I can with the few tools that I have been given.

I hate that I am never happy about my appearance. I'm too skinny, or I look fat. My hair never looks right. I don't work hard enough at taking care of myself, especially that it's more important now than it ever was before.

I hate that I feel so overburdened when, at the end of the day, I have so little to worry about.

I hate the fact that I'm great at giving good advice, but I'm not so great at taking it.

I hate that I'm sitting here, at 3:30 in the morning, spilling my guts in a blog that no one reads (but me) about how effed up I am even though I'm really not.

I hate my tendency to wallow in the past even though my future should be great.

Should be great. I have no guarantee that it will be. I keep hearing that it's going to get better. I tell other people that things will get better for them, but I'm never sure about myself. I don't give myself enough credit, but I don't push myself hard enough, either.

Things will either fall into place, or they will fall apart (again), and I hate not knowing which way things will go. I keep thinking that I've hit rock bottom enough times that there's no way to go but up, but I also think that I could fall farther.

I hate the fact that I will look at this one day and remember how sad I was. I might say, "Well, look at you now - you got through it, and things are better." Or I might say, "You thought it was bad then, just look at how bad it is now."

At the end of the day, I really don't want a lot. I'm truly thankful for the family and friends that support me and the qualities that I have that keep me afloat. That should be enough, but why do I always feel that it's never enough? After all of the things that I have experienced, I feel like I know nothing. What have I learned?

I hate this part right here (to quote yet another silly pop song) - feeling so adrift when I'm really on the right track. Or am I just fooling myself?

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