Struggling between commerce and the greater good...

rrraaaaarrrggggghhhhh!!!!!! that's how i'm feeling right now. i'm supposed to be all excited about our trip to Kansas, and i'm nothing but stressed. you see, my uncle is going to be installed as the new minister of a church, and it's a really big deal to everyone. my mom and my aunt (my uncle's wife) see it as a victory against my grandparents, mainly my grandmother. my grandparents expected my uncle to take over their church when my grandpa retires. they built the church from the ground up, and they were hoping to keep it in the family. so this whole installation thingie has just been fodder for my grandmother's endless guilt trips. grrr. the trip is a big deal to me because i'll get to see my baby boy cousins. one just turned three in october, and the other one was born right around 9-11. and i'll get to see all 4 of my other girl cousins, who make me feel old because i remember when two of them were born and they're now 9 and 7 (i think). my other grandma (on dad's side) doesn't know it yet, but this trip is going to be a big deal for her too, because we're going to visit her. my dad isn't telling her that we're flying out because she'll freak out about our plane falling out of the sky (general paranoia she's had; only made worse by recent world events). So we're going to just show up at her door and say hi. now i should be happy, right? i'm going to see my grandma for the first time in like 3 years or something. but the story with all that is screwy too. i haven't talked to my grandma in forever because all she does is complain, complain, complain. how fun can it be to talk to your grandma if all she does is complain? she's also very concerned about my and my sister's appearance. she was sooo relieved when we both started wearing contacts because "boys don't go out with girls who wear glasses." the straw that broke the camel's back was when she berated and belittled my cousin because she had gained some weight. this happened the day of or the day before my grandpa's funeral, a year after my uncle (my cousin's dad) had died. she was all of 11 or 12 years old. can you imagine that? you're still going through the loss of your father, your grandpa has just died, you're a girl going through puberty and you're insecure enough about how you look, and your grandma is calling you disgusting because you happened to put on a couple of pounds. to this day i am still angry about it, and i'm angry because i just stood there and heard the majority of the conversation and i never said anything. i didn't stick up for my cousin, and i should have. my grandma had no right to say the things she said. no right at all. so for all of those reasons, i really don't talk to my grandma anymore. my dad keeps her posted about how my sister and i are doing anyway.
today my sister got a letter from my grandma asking us to read this article out of some jehova's witness magazine (no offense to anyone of that faith, i'm more than sure that there are plenty of good people who practice that religion.) the article was titled something like "why you should get to know your grandparents." now i haven't read it yet, and i don't know if i plan to. if my grandma really wanted to talk to us, she could pick up a phone and call. the phone does work two ways, you know. and if she was able to write the letter to send us the article, she could have written a letter saying that she misses talking to us and she'd like us to write or call back. but instead she just resorts to dropping hints in hopes that i'm going to magically slap my head and realize "gee whiz! it's been a million years since i've talked to grandma! i should drop everything and call her!" no, i'm sorry. it doesn't work that way.
so this trip is going to be nothing but stressful. i'm going to be worried the whole time that someone's going to say something about me. why would anyone be motivated to say anything? because i'm a lot different from the girl that everyone saw 2-3 years ago. i cut my hair short (*gasp* i can hear both my grandma's freaking out right now), i have another hole in my body (which hopefully no one will see--i got my belly button done a year ago), and i've been in college for almost 2 years now. i'm (almost) grown up! and i'm afraid that if someone says the wrong thing....i just might have to tell them. and i don't wanna be disrespectful to anyone, but i'm not going to take shit from anyone either.
ahhhh......random ranting over. feels good to get some shit off my chest, even if this trip is still gonna be stressful. well, i'm gonna go now. i have to make my packing list and stuff. ta ta dearies!