Riiiigghhttt...
And by now you're all thinking that I've completely gone off the deep end.
I haven't. Yet. I think I'll save the final plunge into utter insanity for when I'm menopausal so I can actually get away with acting like I've completely lost my mind. Or I'll just wait till I'm in my 70's. Then we can just chalk it up to senility.
Although, my grandmother likes to act like she's not all there sometimes, and she's not quite 70 yet. But she got away with asking my mother, at the breakfast table, in front of MY ENTIRE FAMILY, if I wore panties.
Oh, I am sooo not kidding.
There's like, (...counting...) 14 people in our house (for my sister's high school graduation, of all things) and we're all in and around the kitchen for breakfast. Everybody's just eating and chatting and whatever, when all of a sudden, my grandmother asks my mom, "Does Amber wear panties?"
*cue clattering flatware, people pausing mid-bite, and the oh-so-important record needle scratching that denotes complete interruption of all action in the scene*
Mom: "Yes, as far as I know, she wears underwear."
Grandmother: "Well that skirt she was wearing last night was kind of snug and it looked like she wasn't wearing any panties."
Mom: "Well Mama, they make all kinds of different underwear nowadays, and--"
Uncle (who's only 2 years older than me): "Umm, can we change the subject? I really don't think any of this is breakfast conversation."
Me (who has miraculously managed to not instantly die of complete embarassment): "Yeah-exactly-um, greatbreakfastMomIgottagettoclassnowseeya'lllaterbye!"
*30 seconds later, cue screeching tires as I pull out of my neighborhood, off to summer classes in New B.*
When all of my relatives left (and I really do love them, I really do) the next day and we closed the door, I had one simple request for my mom.
"Mom, when I graduate from college next year, can we NOT have all those people in our house?"
And, thankfully, my mom granted my request and we had a quiet graduation party at Houlihan's. Just the four of us.
Riiighhtt...so there was some reason for telling this story. Besides adding to the list of completely humiliating things that happen to me so you can all laugh at me. Hell, I laugh at myself all the time.
'Cause seriously...who in their right mind would try to play Dance Dance Revolution when they're completely bombed?
Or perform a most lively karaoke performance of "Hollaback Girl" in a LES (Lower East Side to you Manhattan-phobes) while her strapless bra falls down to her stomach, giving her 2 sets of boobs?
Or embarass herself entirely in front of guys?
Or unwittingly attempt goldfish-icide not just once, but twice?
Yes, yes, we all chuckle at my bumbling mishaps and delightfully ditzy doings.
So I gave you those links so you'll laugh and not think about how I might be crazy. I mean, I went from singing "Jingle Bell Rock" to moaning on and on about silence.
I promise I'm not bi-polar either. I just blog that way.
So read some more archives, laugh and be merry, and I'll have more good stuff soon. Christmas is coming and I can't wait to get more Retail Hell stories compiled.
I haven't. Yet. I think I'll save the final plunge into utter insanity for when I'm menopausal so I can actually get away with acting like I've completely lost my mind. Or I'll just wait till I'm in my 70's. Then we can just chalk it up to senility.
Although, my grandmother likes to act like she's not all there sometimes, and she's not quite 70 yet. But she got away with asking my mother, at the breakfast table, in front of MY ENTIRE FAMILY, if I wore panties.
Oh, I am sooo not kidding.
There's like, (...counting...) 14 people in our house (for my sister's high school graduation, of all things) and we're all in and around the kitchen for breakfast. Everybody's just eating and chatting and whatever, when all of a sudden, my grandmother asks my mom, "Does Amber wear panties?"
*cue clattering flatware, people pausing mid-bite, and the oh-so-important record needle scratching that denotes complete interruption of all action in the scene*
Mom: "Yes, as far as I know, she wears underwear."
Grandmother: "Well that skirt she was wearing last night was kind of snug and it looked like she wasn't wearing any panties."
Mom: "Well Mama, they make all kinds of different underwear nowadays, and--"
Uncle (who's only 2 years older than me): "Umm, can we change the subject? I really don't think any of this is breakfast conversation."
Me (who has miraculously managed to not instantly die of complete embarassment): "Yeah-exactly-um, greatbreakfastMomIgottagettoclassnowseeya'lllaterbye!"
*30 seconds later, cue screeching tires as I pull out of my neighborhood, off to summer classes in New B.*
When all of my relatives left (and I really do love them, I really do) the next day and we closed the door, I had one simple request for my mom.
"Mom, when I graduate from college next year, can we NOT have all those people in our house?"
And, thankfully, my mom granted my request and we had a quiet graduation party at Houlihan's. Just the four of us.
Riiighhtt...so there was some reason for telling this story. Besides adding to the list of completely humiliating things that happen to me so you can all laugh at me. Hell, I laugh at myself all the time.
'Cause seriously...who in their right mind would try to play Dance Dance Revolution when they're completely bombed?
Or perform a most lively karaoke performance of "Hollaback Girl" in a LES (Lower East Side to you Manhattan-phobes) while her strapless bra falls down to her stomach, giving her 2 sets of boobs?
Or embarass herself entirely in front of guys?
Or unwittingly attempt goldfish-icide not just once, but twice?
Yes, yes, we all chuckle at my bumbling mishaps and delightfully ditzy doings.
So I gave you those links so you'll laugh and not think about how I might be crazy. I mean, I went from singing "Jingle Bell Rock" to moaning on and on about silence.
I promise I'm not bi-polar either. I just blog that way.
So read some more archives, laugh and be merry, and I'll have more good stuff soon. Christmas is coming and I can't wait to get more Retail Hell stories compiled.
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