Pwned in Islamorada
Well, summer is officially kicking off around the country even though it's been summer here for a week already. The humidity is back along with the heat, and yesterday we had our first massive thunderstorm in what seems like forever. (Note to self: Purchase giant squeegee for the patio ASAP. A Swiffer and salvaged styrofoam from the surround sound package are not permanent fixtures for removing rainwater that threatens to flood the apartment.) So since it's officially summer, it means it's time for summer adventures. And when you add me to a summer adventure equation, the result is usually funny or sad or interesting or something like that. While this nowhere equals the hilarity that ensued about 4 years ago during a random trip to Six Flags with Andre or any of our other Disaster Twins adventures, I feel it's interesting enough to share. If anything, it's a testament to why I don't do more random and impulsive things on my own: I usually screw it up.
So today I had to get up early to take my sister to the airport as she'll be out of town for a few days. If I hadn't downed 3 Red Stripes last night while listening to B96's (radio station out of Chicago) Top 96 Songs of 1994 (lovingly preserved on tape by my sister out of boredom over Christmas Break that year), I might have had the idea to be in beach gear and head straight for Ft. Lauderdale after dropping my sister off. But hindsight is 20/20, and I decided to put off the beach trip till tomorrow. I knew that by the time I got back to the house and got ready to go back to the beach, it would be too hot and too crowded and not worth the slog through the traffic.
At some point during my trip back to the apartment, I got a crazy idea. See, I had been to Ft. Lauderdale Beach a few times already. I'm kinda over it, but it's there and the water's nice and parking is decent and it's easy to get to...it's just there. And I've been to Miami Beach...not a big fan of it. I mean, if I have friends visiting, I'll obviously take them there because it's South Beach and all, but really I'm not a fan. So I've been to Ft. Lauderdale, been to South Beach, and I wanted to try something new.
Somehow the idea of the Keys popped into my head.
"It's not all that far to the first island or two," I rationalized. I mean, with the exception of going back to New Jersey for the holidays, my travels here in Florida have been quite limited.
(Actually, after consulting with Google Earth, the area that I've covered in my travels down here actually exceeds the average of the random trips I made when in Jersey. So my travels have only felt limited. I digress.) So I hopped on the laptop as soon as I got home, and threw together a plan. I knew that Key West was way too far for a day trip (roughly 4 hours by car from here...not counting holiday traffic), so I started at the closest island on the map and researched. Key Largo was first (before all you geography buffs begin to prove me wrong, please remember that I wasn't really thinking nor interested in fully researching the layout of the Keys. I know that Key Largo is not the northernmost island. Leave Britney alone!) But Key Largo has mostly man-made beaches...and not many of them. It's more of a boating/diving kinda place. Ok, Key Largo's off the list. Next up, Islamorada. There's a place with public beach access. And it's only 2 hours from my apartment (also not counting holiday traffic). And I can get there and back on roughly half a tank of gas. Sweeeeet!
After gassing up the car and stopping at Barnes & Noble for some beach books and my required copy of Cosmo (my favorite mag to read at the beach), I hit the road with visions of a pristine beach with gorgeous water and refreshing breezes in my head.
Two hours later: still stuck on US 1 somewhere in Key Largo. I know that the beach will be crowded, but it will be worth it. I'll get to brag about going to the Keys (even though it cost me a half tank of gas when a perfectly decent beach is only 15 miles away) for a day.
Three hours into the trip: Finally arrive at my destination in Islamorada, where I had to park 1/2 a mile away from the "resort" entrance and wait for a shuttle van. No problem. I can do that.
3 hours 25 minutes into the trip: Arrive at "resort" entrance with beach bag, chair, and umbrella in tow. After getting carded, wristbanded and paying $10 entrance fee, I'm told that I can't bring the chair or the umbrella into the resort. After explaining that I'd have to take the shuttle back to my car in order to rid myself of the contraband, I'm allowed to keep the umbrella with me as long as I don't use it, but the chair has to stay with the lady who took my $10. Slightly peeved, I relinquish my chair and enter the "resort."
3 hours 30 minutes into the trip: I realize that I have made the biggest mistake ever. The "resort" is a glorified motel with tons of tiki bars and very few chairs or umbrellas. No mile of sandy beach. No peace, thanks to the latin music station from Miami broadcasting live and blasting bachata music everywhere. The place is packed with people...most of them drunk...and I am not amused. After a quick trip to the potty, I decide that today is not my day to relax in the Keys.
3 hours 35 minutes into the trip: I retrieve my chair from the lady who took my money. Not only do I get my chair back...I get my $10 back without having to ask for it along with a suggestion to come back when it's not a holiday weekend. As nice as that lady was, I will never go back to that place EVER. That place felt like Seaside Heights en español. Yeah, it was that shady. I wait for the shuttle van, doing my best to not be pissed and secretly praying that no one tries to talk to me.
3 hours 55 minutes into the trip: Disgustedly chuck my chair and umbrella and chair into the trunk of my car, and head back home. While being treated to some gorgeous views of the ocean that I didn't even set foot in, I resolve to do it right next time and save up for a long weekend in Key West (which, knowing my budget, will not happen anytime soon).
6 hours after leaving the apartment: I pull into a parking spot at my apartment and decide that Ft. Lauderdale Beach isn't so bad after all. I'll get up early and try the whole beach thing tomorrow...15 miles from home as opposed to 100.
So yeah...I spent 5 hours in my car driving to Islamorada and back because I was bored and had nothing else to do and put the gas money on my credit card to fund my little excursion.
I never said I was a genius.
But if anyone knows of a really good beach spot in Islamorada, let me know. The water alone is pretty enough for me to justify another 2+ hour trek down there.
So today I had to get up early to take my sister to the airport as she'll be out of town for a few days. If I hadn't downed 3 Red Stripes last night while listening to B96's (radio station out of Chicago) Top 96 Songs of 1994 (lovingly preserved on tape by my sister out of boredom over Christmas Break that year), I might have had the idea to be in beach gear and head straight for Ft. Lauderdale after dropping my sister off. But hindsight is 20/20, and I decided to put off the beach trip till tomorrow. I knew that by the time I got back to the house and got ready to go back to the beach, it would be too hot and too crowded and not worth the slog through the traffic.
At some point during my trip back to the apartment, I got a crazy idea. See, I had been to Ft. Lauderdale Beach a few times already. I'm kinda over it, but it's there and the water's nice and parking is decent and it's easy to get to...it's just there. And I've been to Miami Beach...not a big fan of it. I mean, if I have friends visiting, I'll obviously take them there because it's South Beach and all, but really I'm not a fan. So I've been to Ft. Lauderdale, been to South Beach, and I wanted to try something new.
Somehow the idea of the Keys popped into my head.
"It's not all that far to the first island or two," I rationalized. I mean, with the exception of going back to New Jersey for the holidays, my travels here in Florida have been quite limited.
(Actually, after consulting with Google Earth, the area that I've covered in my travels down here actually exceeds the average of the random trips I made when in Jersey. So my travels have only felt limited. I digress.) So I hopped on the laptop as soon as I got home, and threw together a plan. I knew that Key West was way too far for a day trip (roughly 4 hours by car from here...not counting holiday traffic), so I started at the closest island on the map and researched. Key Largo was first (before all you geography buffs begin to prove me wrong, please remember that I wasn't really thinking nor interested in fully researching the layout of the Keys. I know that Key Largo is not the northernmost island. Leave Britney alone!) But Key Largo has mostly man-made beaches...and not many of them. It's more of a boating/diving kinda place. Ok, Key Largo's off the list. Next up, Islamorada. There's a place with public beach access. And it's only 2 hours from my apartment (also not counting holiday traffic). And I can get there and back on roughly half a tank of gas. Sweeeeet!
After gassing up the car and stopping at Barnes & Noble for some beach books and my required copy of Cosmo (my favorite mag to read at the beach), I hit the road with visions of a pristine beach with gorgeous water and refreshing breezes in my head.
Two hours later: still stuck on US 1 somewhere in Key Largo. I know that the beach will be crowded, but it will be worth it. I'll get to brag about going to the Keys (even though it cost me a half tank of gas when a perfectly decent beach is only 15 miles away) for a day.
Three hours into the trip: Finally arrive at my destination in Islamorada, where I had to park 1/2 a mile away from the "resort" entrance and wait for a shuttle van. No problem. I can do that.
3 hours 25 minutes into the trip: Arrive at "resort" entrance with beach bag, chair, and umbrella in tow. After getting carded, wristbanded and paying $10 entrance fee, I'm told that I can't bring the chair or the umbrella into the resort. After explaining that I'd have to take the shuttle back to my car in order to rid myself of the contraband, I'm allowed to keep the umbrella with me as long as I don't use it, but the chair has to stay with the lady who took my $10. Slightly peeved, I relinquish my chair and enter the "resort."
3 hours 30 minutes into the trip: I realize that I have made the biggest mistake ever. The "resort" is a glorified motel with tons of tiki bars and very few chairs or umbrellas. No mile of sandy beach. No peace, thanks to the latin music station from Miami broadcasting live and blasting bachata music everywhere. The place is packed with people...most of them drunk...and I am not amused. After a quick trip to the potty, I decide that today is not my day to relax in the Keys.
3 hours 35 minutes into the trip: I retrieve my chair from the lady who took my money. Not only do I get my chair back...I get my $10 back without having to ask for it along with a suggestion to come back when it's not a holiday weekend. As nice as that lady was, I will never go back to that place EVER. That place felt like Seaside Heights en español. Yeah, it was that shady. I wait for the shuttle van, doing my best to not be pissed and secretly praying that no one tries to talk to me.
3 hours 55 minutes into the trip: Disgustedly chuck my chair and umbrella and chair into the trunk of my car, and head back home. While being treated to some gorgeous views of the ocean that I didn't even set foot in, I resolve to do it right next time and save up for a long weekend in Key West (which, knowing my budget, will not happen anytime soon).
6 hours after leaving the apartment: I pull into a parking spot at my apartment and decide that Ft. Lauderdale Beach isn't so bad after all. I'll get up early and try the whole beach thing tomorrow...15 miles from home as opposed to 100.
So yeah...I spent 5 hours in my car driving to Islamorada and back because I was bored and had nothing else to do and put the gas money on my credit card to fund my little excursion.
I never said I was a genius.
But if anyone knows of a really good beach spot in Islamorada, let me know. The water alone is pretty enough for me to justify another 2+ hour trek down there.
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