The Legend of Captain Douchebag
Once upon a time, Captain Douchebag was hanging out in downtown Ft. Lauderdale with his boys. They bounced around from club/bar to club/bar, doing what guys usually do whenever they're downtown. Captain Douchebag and crew were about to leave one particular spot when he spotted a really cute girl headed for the bathroom.
Captain Douchebag stopped the girl in her tracks and asked her to dance with him. She smiled and told him that she was on her way to the bathroom, but would find him once she had taken care of her business. A few minutes later she made her way back out to the dance floor where Captain Douchebag quickly found her and they began to dance.
While they danced, they carried on the typical conversation that one would attempt to carry on while dancing with a stranger in a club/bar. After a while, Captain Douchebag offered to give the girl his number so she could call him if she wanted to talk. Now, the girl was no dummy. She knew there was no point in chasing after a guy if he wasn't really interested in her. So the girl said, "I'll give you my number instead. If you're interested, you'll call. If not, no worries." And soon Captain Douchebag was on his way with his prized digits, while the girl did her best job at not getting her hopes up.
The next morning, the girl was surprised to find a text message from Captain Douchebag on her cell phone, asking if she made it back safely to her apartment. She responded. A few minutes later, the girl's phone buzzed again with a reply. So the two weeks of text conversation began, and so did Captain Douchebag's courtship of the cute girl.
For their first date, Captain Douchebag met the girl at a popular steakhouse, where they enjoyed some steak and beer. As far as first dates go, it was a great one. A week later they went on another date. More dates followed. Captain Douchebag and the girl were getting along famously, and the girl soon realized that she really liked him. Obviously she did not realize that this guy's real name was Captain Douchebag...but she would soon learn the truth.
A month and a half had gone by since their first date, and Captain Douchebag decided that he was ready to make things official and call the girl his girlfriend. After an awkward yet funny conversation on the awkwardness and comedy that ensues when you are 25 and trying to ask someone to be your girlfriend, the pair were officially a couple and everyone was happy.
The happiness lasted about a week until an interesting conversation forced Captain Douchebag to reveal that he had a child. This revelation threw the girlfriend for a loop because she had asked him point blank 24 hours previously if he had kids...and his answer was no. Now, it's only fair that you know that the girlfriend had put Captain Douchebag on the spot when she asked the first time. She was sitting on the couch in her living room while on the phone with him, and relaying parts of the conversation to her sister who was on the phone with their mother. Of course dropping a bomb about a baby who lives 200 miles away while your girlfriend is on the phone with her mom (by proxy) is not the best idea, so he lied and changed the subject. Imagine the shock the girlfriend felt when she learned the truth. She stammered and sputtered, asked some questions, and eventually sat in silence for a half hour before leaving Captain Douchebag's apartment.
The girlfriend consulted an old friend of hers over a couple of pints (because a few pints and good conversation always helps to put things in perspective). The friend advised her to give Captain Douchebag a break...at least he confessed in a somewhat timely manner. The girlfriend had to agree with her friend. The girlfriend consulted with her mother, who was also shocked at first, but told her daughter to follow her gut...if she felt that the worst thing about Captain Douchebag was that he had a kid, he really isn't all that bad. The girlfriend agreed with her mother - she knew it wasn't fair to write the guy off just because he's a dad. The girlfriend's sister concurred with the previous two advisors. After an agonizing day and a half (or so), the girlfriend made a decision. She went to Captain Douchebag's apartment, and they had a long talk.
After Captain Douchebag answered more of the girlfriend's questions, the girlfriend announced her decision. She decided not to break up with Captain Douchebag because she really liked him and would spend the rest of her life wondering how things might have turned out had she given him a fair chance. Captain Douchebag was relieved, the girl was no longer miserable, and things continued happily along.
However, everything changed on one fateful day. The girlfriend, who had just started a second job on the weekends, stopped by Captain Douchebag's house for a little bit to hang out. She had been invited, and she knew that Captain Douchebag and his friends were fully engrossed in a wretchedly stupid video game called Call of Duty 4. Under normal circumstances, the girlfriend would have just passed on the invite, knowing that there is no point in trying to hang out with one's boyfriend while he is playing Playstation 3 with a room full of guys who are not speaking English. But for some reason the girlfriend went anyway, intending on only staying for a few minutes. Unbeknownst to everyone, the girlfriend was having a Bad Day...it would not bode well.
After about a half hour of watching Captain Douchebag and his friends play video games, the girlfriend decided to leave. Captain Douchebag asked, "When are you coming back?" The girlfriend replied, "When are you all going to be done playing?" "I don't know." "Then I don't know when I'll be back." The girlfriend gathered her bag, put on her shoes, and left Captain Douchebag to continue pretending that he was a special ops Marine killing unspecified Middle Eastern terrorists.
Captain Douchebag called his girlfriend later on that day to see what she was up to. The girlfriend had been out doing some preliminary car shopping, and was now in a holding pattern, waiting to find out if she would be driving to Captain Douchebag's apartment or her own. Captain Douchebag, still not realizing that his girlfriend was having a Bad Day, proceeded to attempt to convince her that not only did she not need a new car, but she shouldn't be working a second job either. The girlfriend's repeated reply of "I have no choice," fell on deaf ears as Captain Douchebag lectured and bombed deserted palaces at the same time...he was still playing video games nearly 8 hours after he had picked up the controller that morning. The girlfriend was furious and eventually gave up and went home. Captain Douchebag texted her to ask why she was mad...and the girlfriend let him know exactly what he had done wrong. But by this point Captain Douchebag was too tired for a discussion, and it was agreed that the conversation would continue the next day.
After another humiliating shift at her second job, the girlfriend called Captain Douchebag, and explained her behavior from the previous day. You see, we all have Bad Days. And we all handle ourselves differently on those days. Sometimes, when there's too many factors in play like money and cars and jobs and trifling boyfriends who don't know how to listen (even though it's not their fault...they're just not wired that way), a girl can snap and not be as nice to someone as she usually is. But Captain Douchebag still couldn't understand that his girlfriend wasn't mad at him, she was just mad at everything. Eventually, Captain Douchebag said that he just needed to thing about everything that the girlfriend had said (as the girlfriend was quite frustrated at this point and raising her voice), and he would talk to her the next day.
Captain Douchebag did not speak to his girlfriend for nearly two weeks.
At first, the girlfriend was apologetic, but soon realized she had nothing to apologize for. Then the girlfriend was irritated that it was taking so long for Captain Douchebag to call her back. Finally, the girlfriend realized that all was lost and she would have to move on. But one thing still wasn't right: her 2 disc collector's edition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail was at Captain Douchebag's apartment.
Knowing that Captain Douchebag would not answer her calls, the girl drove down to his apartment unannounced in an attempt to retrieve her prized DVD. Captain Douchebag wasn't there, so the girl tried calling one more time...and actually spoke to him. "I'm out of town, but I'll be back on Monday," he said. So the girl called him on Monday before heading to his apartment. Captain Douchebag's phone was disconnected. Now the girl was straight up pissed off. But she was also a smart and resourceful girl who had remembered that she was in possession of Captain Douchebag's business card (that she obtained just in case some bullshit like this ever went down). The next day, after not reaching him by phone at the office, the girl sent a simple e-mail: "I'm not interested in fighting or playing games or whatever this is that you're doing. I just want my DVD back. It was a gift, it's important to me, and I want it back."
That evening the girl finally retrieved her DVD. The exchange was simple. Captain Douchebag handed her the movie, she thanked him, and walked out the door. And the relationship between Captain Douchebag and his girlfriend was over.
There are three morals to this tale:
Guys: Don't be like Captain Douchebag. If you can't handle a girl when she's having a Bad Day, just come right out and say so, then move the hell on.
Girls: Even the good ones can turn out to be complete and total douchebags.
Overall: In the words of the pop band 2Ge+her (pronounced "together): "The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff."
P.S. I might have set the record for the number of uses of the word "douchebag" in a single blog. Apologies to anyone offended.
Captain Douchebag stopped the girl in her tracks and asked her to dance with him. She smiled and told him that she was on her way to the bathroom, but would find him once she had taken care of her business. A few minutes later she made her way back out to the dance floor where Captain Douchebag quickly found her and they began to dance.
While they danced, they carried on the typical conversation that one would attempt to carry on while dancing with a stranger in a club/bar. After a while, Captain Douchebag offered to give the girl his number so she could call him if she wanted to talk. Now, the girl was no dummy. She knew there was no point in chasing after a guy if he wasn't really interested in her. So the girl said, "I'll give you my number instead. If you're interested, you'll call. If not, no worries." And soon Captain Douchebag was on his way with his prized digits, while the girl did her best job at not getting her hopes up.
The next morning, the girl was surprised to find a text message from Captain Douchebag on her cell phone, asking if she made it back safely to her apartment. She responded. A few minutes later, the girl's phone buzzed again with a reply. So the two weeks of text conversation began, and so did Captain Douchebag's courtship of the cute girl.
For their first date, Captain Douchebag met the girl at a popular steakhouse, where they enjoyed some steak and beer. As far as first dates go, it was a great one. A week later they went on another date. More dates followed. Captain Douchebag and the girl were getting along famously, and the girl soon realized that she really liked him. Obviously she did not realize that this guy's real name was Captain Douchebag...but she would soon learn the truth.
A month and a half had gone by since their first date, and Captain Douchebag decided that he was ready to make things official and call the girl his girlfriend. After an awkward yet funny conversation on the awkwardness and comedy that ensues when you are 25 and trying to ask someone to be your girlfriend, the pair were officially a couple and everyone was happy.
The happiness lasted about a week until an interesting conversation forced Captain Douchebag to reveal that he had a child. This revelation threw the girlfriend for a loop because she had asked him point blank 24 hours previously if he had kids...and his answer was no. Now, it's only fair that you know that the girlfriend had put Captain Douchebag on the spot when she asked the first time. She was sitting on the couch in her living room while on the phone with him, and relaying parts of the conversation to her sister who was on the phone with their mother. Of course dropping a bomb about a baby who lives 200 miles away while your girlfriend is on the phone with her mom (by proxy) is not the best idea, so he lied and changed the subject. Imagine the shock the girlfriend felt when she learned the truth. She stammered and sputtered, asked some questions, and eventually sat in silence for a half hour before leaving Captain Douchebag's apartment.
The girlfriend consulted an old friend of hers over a couple of pints (because a few pints and good conversation always helps to put things in perspective). The friend advised her to give Captain Douchebag a break...at least he confessed in a somewhat timely manner. The girlfriend had to agree with her friend. The girlfriend consulted with her mother, who was also shocked at first, but told her daughter to follow her gut...if she felt that the worst thing about Captain Douchebag was that he had a kid, he really isn't all that bad. The girlfriend agreed with her mother - she knew it wasn't fair to write the guy off just because he's a dad. The girlfriend's sister concurred with the previous two advisors. After an agonizing day and a half (or so), the girlfriend made a decision. She went to Captain Douchebag's apartment, and they had a long talk.
After Captain Douchebag answered more of the girlfriend's questions, the girlfriend announced her decision. She decided not to break up with Captain Douchebag because she really liked him and would spend the rest of her life wondering how things might have turned out had she given him a fair chance. Captain Douchebag was relieved, the girl was no longer miserable, and things continued happily along.
However, everything changed on one fateful day. The girlfriend, who had just started a second job on the weekends, stopped by Captain Douchebag's house for a little bit to hang out. She had been invited, and she knew that Captain Douchebag and his friends were fully engrossed in a wretchedly stupid video game called Call of Duty 4. Under normal circumstances, the girlfriend would have just passed on the invite, knowing that there is no point in trying to hang out with one's boyfriend while he is playing Playstation 3 with a room full of guys who are not speaking English. But for some reason the girlfriend went anyway, intending on only staying for a few minutes. Unbeknownst to everyone, the girlfriend was having a Bad Day...it would not bode well.
After about a half hour of watching Captain Douchebag and his friends play video games, the girlfriend decided to leave. Captain Douchebag asked, "When are you coming back?" The girlfriend replied, "When are you all going to be done playing?" "I don't know." "Then I don't know when I'll be back." The girlfriend gathered her bag, put on her shoes, and left Captain Douchebag to continue pretending that he was a special ops Marine killing unspecified Middle Eastern terrorists.
Captain Douchebag called his girlfriend later on that day to see what she was up to. The girlfriend had been out doing some preliminary car shopping, and was now in a holding pattern, waiting to find out if she would be driving to Captain Douchebag's apartment or her own. Captain Douchebag, still not realizing that his girlfriend was having a Bad Day, proceeded to attempt to convince her that not only did she not need a new car, but she shouldn't be working a second job either. The girlfriend's repeated reply of "I have no choice," fell on deaf ears as Captain Douchebag lectured and bombed deserted palaces at the same time...he was still playing video games nearly 8 hours after he had picked up the controller that morning. The girlfriend was furious and eventually gave up and went home. Captain Douchebag texted her to ask why she was mad...and the girlfriend let him know exactly what he had done wrong. But by this point Captain Douchebag was too tired for a discussion, and it was agreed that the conversation would continue the next day.
After another humiliating shift at her second job, the girlfriend called Captain Douchebag, and explained her behavior from the previous day. You see, we all have Bad Days. And we all handle ourselves differently on those days. Sometimes, when there's too many factors in play like money and cars and jobs and trifling boyfriends who don't know how to listen (even though it's not their fault...they're just not wired that way), a girl can snap and not be as nice to someone as she usually is. But Captain Douchebag still couldn't understand that his girlfriend wasn't mad at him, she was just mad at everything. Eventually, Captain Douchebag said that he just needed to thing about everything that the girlfriend had said (as the girlfriend was quite frustrated at this point and raising her voice), and he would talk to her the next day.
Captain Douchebag did not speak to his girlfriend for nearly two weeks.
At first, the girlfriend was apologetic, but soon realized she had nothing to apologize for. Then the girlfriend was irritated that it was taking so long for Captain Douchebag to call her back. Finally, the girlfriend realized that all was lost and she would have to move on. But one thing still wasn't right: her 2 disc collector's edition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail was at Captain Douchebag's apartment.
Knowing that Captain Douchebag would not answer her calls, the girl drove down to his apartment unannounced in an attempt to retrieve her prized DVD. Captain Douchebag wasn't there, so the girl tried calling one more time...and actually spoke to him. "I'm out of town, but I'll be back on Monday," he said. So the girl called him on Monday before heading to his apartment. Captain Douchebag's phone was disconnected. Now the girl was straight up pissed off. But she was also a smart and resourceful girl who had remembered that she was in possession of Captain Douchebag's business card (that she obtained just in case some bullshit like this ever went down). The next day, after not reaching him by phone at the office, the girl sent a simple e-mail: "I'm not interested in fighting or playing games or whatever this is that you're doing. I just want my DVD back. It was a gift, it's important to me, and I want it back."
That evening the girl finally retrieved her DVD. The exchange was simple. Captain Douchebag handed her the movie, she thanked him, and walked out the door. And the relationship between Captain Douchebag and his girlfriend was over.
There are three morals to this tale:
Guys: Don't be like Captain Douchebag. If you can't handle a girl when she's having a Bad Day, just come right out and say so, then move the hell on.
Girls: Even the good ones can turn out to be complete and total douchebags.
Overall: In the words of the pop band 2Ge+her (pronounced "together): "The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff."
P.S. I might have set the record for the number of uses of the word "douchebag" in a single blog. Apologies to anyone offended.
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