My Twenty-Something Quasi-Soap

General Malaise and Discontent has progressed over the past two weeks and developed into a Black and Foul Humour of the Most Unfortunate Variety. I thought I was going to elaborate here, but it's really not worth it. All I know is that I have been angry and hurt for two weeks now, and I don't know when or if that will be fixed anytime soon. I do know, however, that I am perfectly justified in feeling the way that I do, and anyone who may believe otherwise does not know the whole story. And now I am typing hard enough to potentially damage the keyboard, so I must go. Bah fucking humbug.

...are two good phrases for me right now. I've been thinking about too many things lately. Bitching and venting a lot. And how the hell did it get to be December already?!? Is anyone else irritated by the incessant Christmas music playing everywhere? I keep thinking that it's just too soon for all that mess, but Christmas is really not all that far away. Which is usually a lot more exciting to me by this point in the month. But alas, I am too stressed and pissed and irritated and tired and frustrated to be in the Christmas spirit. General malaise and discontent. At least Shoestring starts soon. Auditions for my new batch of babies are this Sunday and I can't wait. I have a feeling life will be a little easier once I have Shoestring to focus on. (Which actually makes no sense since I'll be busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.) But looking ahead, I think 2007 is going to be a very big year. That is all for now.

...and reflecting on the fact that I watch too much television. It's true. I live for September premieres. And sweeps (yay November and May!!). But the true marker of me watching too much television is my irritation with a recurring fantasy that usually involves ripped clothing and being hoisted upon washing machines. (Ok, so it's really not an irritation. How can your own personal "Desperate Housewives"-esqe daydream be an irritation?) Unfortunately, my fascination with the art/business of tv keeps me glued to the couch on Sunday nights and the DVR working overtime on Thursdays. And it's 1:30 in the morning. I really need to go to bed now.

...meaning that I'm back to blogging once every 6 weeks or so as opposed to every day. Which kind of sucks because I won't be able to look back at this a year from now and see what my daily thought processes were. But then again, I really don't have the time to be blogging all that often. Especialy since I can't blog at work. I read the NY Times a lot, but I don't blog. Catching you up on everything, then: -Kansas City was boring. I didn't get drunk at all, no major drama ensued, and the pics from the wedding were...interesting. Interesting in that "wow, she looks like a hooker" way. But she really is a awesomely sweet person and I'm totally happy for my uncle. -Went to Chicago last weekend and actually took a real vacation. I didn't think about work, I didn't think about the boys, I just hung out. And I found out what happens to you when you lose your keys on a roller coaster. They weren't my keys, mind you. But I was the first to repo...

In a few minutes I'll be headed out for coffee, to pick up some cash, and then off to the train station so I can get to the airport. It's time for another Adventure in Kansas City. Yay. My uncle's getting married, so the whole clan is getting together to see if he'll actually go through with this. I'm excited to see him and my cousins, but I'm not looking forward to all of the requisite drama that will ensue. It's not a family get-together if there's no drama or other ridiculous stories to bring back. I was going to provide links as exhibits of such shenanigans, but I don't have the time. Wish me luck, and pray that I don't get too drunk. Although, alcohol is going to make this whole ordeal sooo much easier. Is it Sunday night yet? Here we go...

That is a very sad fact. We had a massive heat wave at the end of July, and then summer started ending. It got cooler at nights, too cold in the office for air conditioning (so I froze to death). And as everyone was ready to go out on a high note with the Labor Day weekend... ...Ernesto crashed the party. Rain and wind and more rain and more wind just made yesterday miserable. So we stayed in and watched Rutgers' season opener against UNC, which we won. And it was good. Then we had some friends over, played the Mean Girls drinking game, took a late night munchie run to Wawa, and then I passed out on the couch. It was a great night. Today the skies are clear and the sun is out. It's too chilly to go to the beach, but I'm not much of a shore kind of girl. The water grosses me out...it really is dirty. Dirrty Jerz represent! Yup, summer is over, and there's a lot of things that I did not accomplish. We didn't go back to DC like we wanted to. We didn't go to Rehobot...

I'm tired today. I was good until 4th of July weekend, did a lot of stuff, and now I feel like I haven't caught up on sleep. Nothing very interesting to blog about, but I figured I'd let the blogosphere know I'm still alive and all that...just don't have anything exciting to blog about. The job is going all right...I guess. It's been kinda boring the past few weeks or so. Maybe that's what's making me tired. Blarrrgh. Tired, hot, and quiet. Except for painting the living room on Sunday. That was a "Disaster Twins Go on a Home Improvement Adventure" moment. Which is why I keep saying I need my own reality show. But then again, life right now isn't exciting enough to garner any ratings. Off to catch up on the backlog of "Project Runway" in the bootleg TiVo and convince myself that I really am excited about where I am in life right now.

My awesome job is now even awesomer because it's permanent now! Yay benefits, vacation days, and a pretty nice raise! Which means shopping, trips, and more shopping! Yaaayyyyy!!! Now I can get the gigantic dent taken out of my car and get the paint redone before my car really starts to look rusty. As much as I love my little tank (it's really just a Corolla, but it takes a hit like a tank), it's starting to cost me more money to keep it in good condition. But then again, you really can't complain when your car runs for 105,000 miles on the factory installed spark plugs. Yesterday, I could have gotten away with a free $300 brake job on my car. They forgot to add it to my bill. I was halfway down the road when I realized that if something went wrong with my brakes, I couldn't blame the shop because I had no paper trail. So I had to go back and point out the error so I could shell out my $300 and have my proof. But I got a coupon for a free oil change since I was so ...

...I have not fallen off of the face of the earth. I actually attenpeted to blog a few times in the past month, but I got distracted by sparkly things. "Sparkly things" is actually a facetious way of saying that there was too much life going on to try and process it all in a blog. And I didn't want to kill the keyboard on my laptop. I have a habit of typing harder when I get angry or upset. So let's see...my life over the past month, in a nutshell: -the boy situation is completely and totally over. Maybe someday when he takes his head out of his ass he'll realize his mistake. But by then he'll be married to someone who's really boring and looks like Condoleeza Rice. -Just because the situation is over doesn't mean I can't be bitter. -Still at the same place where I was working a month ago. Same company, different department, still a temp. Which sucks. But it's a job and I still like my job. -"The Real World: Bayshore Edition" is still...

I seem to have this habit now of posting on Sunday nights. Probably because it's something that allows me to prolong the arrival of the Day After Sunday (even though it's technically already here). I am very tired. April has not been a good month to me. Between the rain, a freak snowstorm in the middle of the day, being stuck at work all by myself for a week, half of the Shoestring kids coming down with some type of ailment at various times right up to the last rehearsal, my director coming down with bronchitis, the very real fact that my currently sweet temp gig is definitely ending in two weeks, my own apartment feeling like an episode of "The Real World," blowing 25 bucks on Mega Millions tickets and not getting a piece of the quarter billion dollar jackpot, the "check engine" light glaring at me every time I'm in my car, my allergies kicking my ass during the day, my asthma waking me up in the middle of the night, and still checking my e-mail every ...

I want to go to sleep so I can forget everything and live in a world that I won't remember. But sleep brings me to tomorrow that much faster, so I have to deal with it all. It's not fair. Tonight was like...watching tv with rabbit ears, or listening to a radio station as you're leaving the reaches of its airwaves. You can see the picture or hear the song, but the static keeps you from connecting with it. I should have known better. I should have known that it was all too good to be true. I mean, everything was great, I was so happy, everyone was happy for me, and then I get static. Stupid Japan. There I sat, thinking I had the power to change the course of someone's life, thinking that I just might be important enough to make a person change his mind, praying that something as daunting as some major exam that's 6 months away would make someone stay. But I'm not that important. And I'm stupid to think I'd be that important. Not when there are so many oth...

I'm going to make a t-shirt that says that. And I will wear it to work. Maybe. I feel too good for it to be Monday! I've just got this post-Saturday sparkle that won't go away. And I hope it never does. I just need one more day to bask it its gloriousness, and save it up so I don't lose it in all of the work craziness. And the Shoestring craziness. If I didn't use my extra day to bask in the gloriousness of the post-date sparkle (oops, I let something slip!), I'd use it to do do more of what I did to get that sparkle. And you can all get your minds out of the gutter right now! I won't have any dirty interpretations of my words going on here, no siree! Not on this blog! I am too happy and girly and excited and all that other stuff for you all to be mucking things up with dirty thoughts! I think I'm making my roommates sick with all of my silliness. Little do they know that there's plenty more to come. I hope. Let me go before I say more stuff that wil...

It's Monday. Already. Early Monday, but Monday nonetheless. Damn. I need to pick up a new notebook. I think I might start writing again. What I wrote yesterday just kinda came out of nowhere...and there's more. Somewhere. Whereever it is, there's more. Right now I just feel slightly cranky. Like a 3 year old who refuses to go to bed but her eyelids are drooping and she's rubbing her eyes and acting extremely pouty. I just don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to have a real Spring Break and spend a week having fun. I don't even have to leave the tri-state area - there's plenty of fun to be had around here. All you need is a bar and someone to chat with. As was proved last night. I digress. Oh, I'm just so tired! I need a break. Better go to bed...work will be here before I know it. But I'll have the promise of more fun times with the important person before this weekend. And there's only a few more days till St. Patrick's Day! Suddenly, t...

It's March. Already. I started my spring cleaning...the car was first and I must say I did a splendid job. I still need to hose down the floor mats and scrub the upholstery and give it a good Febreezing, but it's a lot better off than it was yesterday. It's a gorgeous day out today. I have to be back out of the house in about an hour since I'm going up to the city to see a play with an important person. ::Silently smiling to myself as I know the suspense is killing you all:: Hmmm..... one hour more or less to shower and dress and what I'll wear is anybody's guess but in the end I must look my best lest the hour I've used on dresses and shoes proves simply that I don't know how to make the right moves so the minutes will pass and the shower will splash and I'll drive in my car and I know I won't crash and then I'll take the train and I know it won't rain, in the end I know my journey won't be in vain though vanity is surely a forgivabl...

Grey's Anatomy is quickly topping the list of best shows on TV. So is The Boondocks . Roses are awesome, especially when they're for you. I feel a cold coming on, but I'm not allowed to get sick till at least the beginning of May. I don't know what to do. Besides pray. I must go shopping this weekend. And get a manicure. I don't usually say things like that..."I must get a manicure..." But now that I'm not at the mall anymore, my nails are actually growing and they need professional help. "Next week, on a very special Desperate Housewives , it's time for a desperate intervention." If you watch Desperate Housewives , you'd get that joke. Yup, roses are awesome and so is pinot noir. God, I hope I didn't curse too much. Or looked like a total idiot. But I got roses... ...I'll keep you posted. (And once again, you're all frustrated. "Dammit, it's bad enough she barely has time to keep us all entertained on a regular...

I had a crazy thought this morning as I was getting ready for work. I realized that it will be ten years ago this August that I started high school. That is a scary thought. Meanwhile, back in the present, I have been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest with Shoestring and work. I looooove my job, and I looooove my Shoestring babies, but man! - am I one tired person! I'm busy and happy and tired. But not too tired to keep up with most of my tv shows and watch Freaks and Geeks. I heart that show. So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I had mostly forgotten about it until a few people at work got roses and presents and stuff. I bought candy for my Shoestring kids. When I got home, there was a box sitting on the kitchen counter for me. Huh? A present for me?? My roommates, whom I love most dearly, bought me a present for Valentine's Day! I got the Desperate Housewives game and a book of Napoleon Dynamite Mad Libs. How awesome is that? So an otherwise crappy ...

Ah f^%!. Forgot to pay the gas bill! Hold on. Why do I always remember to pay my bills when I'm about to blog? Anyway... I went shopping yesterday with all of the other crazed and panicky people who hoard bottled water and canned goods before a storm. I had a list of stuff I was supposed to get, and then I went a little crazy. My thought process kinda went like this: "Ok, let's review the list before I go into the store. Salt, milk, pretzels, saltines, blah blah blah. Got it. I will stick to the list. Here we go. Oh look! Chocolate chip cookies from the bakery! These will be awesome for all of the movies we're going to watch tonight. And they're on sale! Awesome! Ok. So we're running low on bread, I'll pick up another loaf in case we want grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh! I should pick up cheese slices since we only have the cheddar bricks in the fridge. Excellent. Milk: I should get a half gallon. Hmmm...a half gallon's a lot of milk for us. Oh! I'll ...

...to go grocery shopping by myself anymore. I'll explain later. I have to go put all that stuff away now. Damn blizzard warning!

I'm getting used to having 13 hour days again. I still have to figure out the whole food thing, but I'm getting there. ::Slapping forehead:: Fuck! Forgot to pay my phone bill. Hold on... Back. My forehead still stings...that's how quickly I was able to hop over to the website and pay the bill. Two days late...grrrrr. While I'm thinking about it, I better schedule my credit card payment too. Back in a bit... And here I am again. I don't get the chance to take care of all this stuff except for late at night, when I should be in bed asleep. I'm so busy all day that it takes a good hour or two for my brain to slow down and decompress before I can go to sleep. My body has learned how to compensate. I spent the entire day in bed on Sunday. I slept in late, and just stayed in the bed all day. I wasn't overly exhausted or anything, but I didn't feel like going anywhere. I wasn't even depressed...just recharging. I even went to bed at a decent hour and felt g...

I don't know where my weekend went. Well, I know where it went, but I don't know why it's over so soon. Scheduled my GRE test. It's soon. Very very soon. NYU app is due this Wednesday and my personal statement is currently nothing more than a few paragraphs that have nothing to do with each other. And I forgot that I have to send a check with that...grrr, I hate paying rent. I'm trying to remember if I actually did a blog where I explained what I planned to do with my degree (which looks like less and less of a possibility every day). I don't think I did. I don't write well under pressure...I wish I just had to go in for an interview and let that be it. I'm so much better and verbally explaining what I want to do as opposed to writing it. And I'm not a bad writer. You wouldn't know that from reading this, though. I usually let most rules of grammar and coherent thought fly out the window and I laugh in the face of proofreading and spell check. ...

(sung to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club Song. Yeah, it's not my idea...I heard it on the radio once. But it's true. Whatever.) "Whatever." I hate that expression now. I mean, I still use it a lot, but I hate it. When used in a certain context, it can be so dismissive, so...whatever. Grrr... I did a lot of growing up last week. Starting a new job, making a big decision about someone's birthday, celebrating my own birthday for about a week, and helping someone not get suckered into buying a vintage BMW. Today I feel 23. Possibly older. Last week I barely even felt 22, and in a week (plus everything else that's happened this month) I aged two years. I made the decision not to take my sister out for her 21st birthday. She's done a lot of stuff lately that really hurt and pissed me off, and I made the decision not to take her out. I don't want to. And I called her and told her all of this and ran down the extensive laundry list of grievances and told her...

Why am I so afraid to try? Why has it been so hard for me to convince myself that I have what it takes to get into grad school? I know once I get there I'll be fine, but I keep feeling like I don't have what they're looking for. Like perfect grades. Or perfect GRE scores. I haven't even taken the damn GRE. I took a look at the math section back in October and I haven't cracked that book open since. Maybe I haven't done enough theater stuff. Or enough teaching stuff. I've just been dragging my feet...not out of laziness, but...fear? Low self esteem? I don't know. NYU's deadline is February 1st, and I realize that I'm screwed. 1) I've only asked one person so far if they'd be willing to write me a recommendation (and they are), so I need at least one more for NYU and two more for Emerson (March 1 deadline). So I am not in posession of a single recommendation. 2) I just requested my official transcripts from school today, which means I'...

A while back I promised y'all I'd post a pic of me and the boys and the Christmas tree. So here it is, us and the tree, at the farm in the cold, minutes before we cut the poor thing down. And it's still in the house, but we finally un-decorated it tonight so we can set it out on Tuesday to be recycled. I digress. Think of this as my first foray into the wonderful world of Fun with Pictures and Computers. Hope you enjoy!

Yup, life has been boring as usual and not much has been going on. Sorry! But I thought I'd just check in so things don't get too dusty around here. Hmm...I wonder where my iPod headphones went. They disappeared a few months ago. I finally made room for my printer on my desk. My dad needs my old iMac for a few days so he can get the information off of his iMac that up and died earlier this week. As soon as I get it back, I'm wiping the hard drive and taking it to the eBay store. If I don't get rid of it soon, I never will. And I don't want to start my own dead technology museum. In other news...copious amounts of drinking will be commencing tomorrow night in early celebration of my birthday. I have to be at work at 10am on Saturday, which sucks, but hey! It's my birthday...almost. Right now there's only 4 days, 13 hours and 56 minutes till I turn 23. That's kinda scary. (BTW, the countdown comes courtesy of one of my many Widgets...something only Mac p...

So today is pretty much a rerun of last Monday. Been in bed all day (thanks to the computer), my room is still a mess, my laundry still hasn't been done. And since my next temp gig (provided that I actually get the job) won't start until the 23rd, I am also now pretty much housebound in an attempt to spend as little money as possible for the next few weeks or so. There goes doing something spectacularly cool for my birthday. Dammit. (It's not like I had any good ideas either, which is pretty sad in itself.) Referring back to today's title, how upset was I that Grey's Anatomy was a clip show last night?!? Grrr.... And that's about it. Nothing really interesting to report, no random poetry. Yup, just a rerun of last Monday. Off to attempt something else productive before actually doing my one Real Thing to Do today.

in those moments between chaos and calamity I stop to wonder where the time has gone. no longer a young innocent gazing at the world with life-stained glasses yet one who has yet to figure out where the journey is taking her. those moments are found ever so rarely... in the silence of the car while the tires hug the pavement thinking about how I can't smell the sea or in the midst of a party in the glow that comes from two glasses of wine and pleasant conversation or in the electric hum of an empty house as the radiator ticks off every reminder of Things To Be Done eventually. The moments are full of second guesses and nagging doubts and clinging hopes but little result. No time for deep cleansing breaths or reality checks. The moment is fleeting but ever important. Self indulgent self reflection takes precious time - of which I have little - in those moments when I try to figure out if I'm doing it right.

So this week has consisted of doing not a lot of stuff at all. (That was a horrible sentence.) My temp gig at the engineering firm ended last Friday, and the agency hasn't found me another job yet. Hence, I have been sitting around the house all week. Part of me is enjoying the break. The other part of me is read to get back to work before I go broke and insane at the same time. I began a half assed attempt to clean my room yesterday. While it's more maneuverable now than it was before, it's still a mess. I also started some laundry...successfully completing one load of underwear and one set of sheets. I also came up with a list of things to do today before work if I can convince myself to take a shower and get dressed. 1) Return jeans to Delia*s. The size 0's looked cute but were too small, so I bought the 1/2's. Logical enough. Imagine my horror when I was getting dressed on New Year's Eve and realized that the correctly fitting jeans also looked absolutely wr...

Ick, icky weather prevented me from doing laundry today. That and the fact that I took a nap earlier and woke up around 2pm. And I wasn't in the mood to do much of anything else. So here we (me and Andre) sit in the living room, tv blaring with some random craptacular movie, typing away at our laptops and being mopey. For our own individual reasons. But not mopey at each other. It's just that kind of day, when the weather is cold and crappy. It just lends itself to mopeyness. I mean, seriously: at one point, we were watching the 1996 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2 and I was showing off my spelling expertise. Yay! I can outspell 7th graders! Hey, I was know as "The Human Dictionary" throughout a large portion of my childhood. Hmm...can I still pass for 7th grade? Nah. Seriously seriously considering a subscription to Netflix so I'm not Public Enemy No.1 at Blockbuster. I wouldn't be surprised if they have a picture of me up there that says "Do Not Rent To...

Monday morning is here, the sun is shining (mostly), and I am sitting in my room (still in bed!) doing nothing but my usual boring internet stuff. I know I need to be more productive today. Especially when I busted out the lappy so I could do one productive thing, and I was immediately sidetracked by everything else that I usually do. Yay for Internet ADD. *Pausing so I can actually do my one productive bit of business before I forget.* Productive bit of business is over, proving both good and bad things for me. Since I don't have to go to New Brunswick today, I officially have nothing to do. That is bad, since I will now be motivated to do absolutely nothing. The good thing is that I do need a break. Also, since I have nothing on my agenda for the day, I should clean my room and do my laundry. We'll see what actually happens today. New Year's Eve...started off great, ended extremely shitty, and I won't be going back to the frat for a loooong time, if ever. I'll jus...